“A Harsh Reality”

Chapter 4 – Questions

Dal left for the farm the next day and Amber felt a great sense of relief. He, at least, was one person she could save from what was coming.

The others were surprised he was leaving so soon, and when Dal started to explain why, Amber caught his eye and shook her head. He recovered quickly and said he had to get back to the farm to check on some of the operations. When he pulled her aside to ask why, she hadn't been able to say for sure. She knew something was coming, and she also knew the others weren't ready to believe her. She didn't know if Dal really believed her or was just humoring her. But he went, and that's all she wanted for him right now.

What would she do next? She didn't know.

She sat in the café by herself nursing a cup of hot chocolate, trying to think through everything she remembered and knew about what was happening. The truth was there was precious little she knew for certain. She didn't know enough about the real past and the real present to understand what it all meant.

"Amber?" Cloe stood hesitantly in the doorway to the café holding baby Ben in her arms. "I uh, I was going to give Ben his breakfast."

Amber looked up from the steam drifting off the top of her mug and mustered a smile for Cloe. She hadn't seen much of Cloe since her return, but then she'd been so preoccupied with her own situation and hadn't had time for much else.

Ben giggled at her from Cloe's arms and her smile became less forced. The last few weeks had been good for something. She no longer resented Ben's presence. If she was careful, she didn't even see Bray when she looked at him.

"Hi, Cloe. Don't mind me. I'm just brooding." She laughed softly at herself, admitting that Trudy had been right. "Would you like for me to hold him while you prepare it?"

Cloe gave a shy smile and nodded gratefully. She gently passed off her charge into Amber's arms and headed into the kitchen area to prepare Ben's food. Ben seemed perfectly okay with his temporary keeper and gave her a smacking kiss on the cheek followed by a mostly incomprehensible speech.

He was a good natured child and talked much more than Bray ever had. Ryan, who had always been somewhat slow, was delighted that his son seemed to be bright and developmentally advanced. He'd turned up a book on infant development from who knew where and had quickly become an expert in child growth and skill stages. He'd driven Salene crazy quoting passages from it before she hid the book out of desperation.

Amber was deep into a game of Patty Cake with the delighted Ben when Cloe came back to the table balancing a brightly colored bowl, a small glass filled with milk provided by Dal's dairy cow, and a mug identical to Amber's. Amber reached out to help her and grabbed the bowl before the contents went splashing onto the floor.

"Whew! Thank you! I thought I could handle it, but I guess not." Cloe took a seat next to them and set the glass and the mug down before reaching out for Ben. "I can take him now."

"Don't worry about it. He's already here. I can feed him, unless you've got a burning urge to do it?" She raised an eyebrow and smiled wryly at Cloe, who indicated she was more than willing to give up the duty to Amber.

They sat quietly for a few minutes, Cloe watching as Amber deftly fed Ben and managed to avoid making a mess. She sipped her mug, hot chocolate like Amber's, and kept fidgeting in her seat. She would open her mouth like she had something to say and then stop, coloring slightly even under her darker skin.

"Amber…" Finally, Cloe got up the nerve to start, but faltered after the beginning.

Amber met her gaze encouragingly, before looking back to make sure she caught the dribble below Ben's rosebud mouth. "Cloe, I've found that if you have something you want to say, it's best to just get it out." When there was no response from her companion, she added, "You'll feel better if you just say whatever it is you want to say."

It came out in a rush of breath, like it had been bottled up for a long time and finally released. "Amber, do you think that what happened to you, I mean, do you think that they've done the same thing to Patsy?"

She didn't answer right away and kept her gaze on young Ben. Images of Patsy, laughing and innocent, flashed in her mind. The memories of Patsy's involvement with the Chosen, working as a spy. And the day she disappeared. Of course, she'd never actually witnessed those events, and that was the biggest sign that they weren't real memories, she supposed. But she kept all that to herself.

"I don't know Cloe, I just don't know. There's really no way to say for sure right now." Her gentle tone did little to alleviate the tension in Cloe's face.

"It's just…the things I said to her before she left the Mall that day, I'm sorry for saying them and I can't tell her that!" Cloe cried. She rubbed the tears from her eyes impatiently and her shoulders slumped dejectedly. "Do you think that because of our fight, because she left that day, do you think that it's my fault the Technos took her?" She said it quietly, her eyes on the hands clenched in her lap.

"No! Cloe, absolutely not!" Amber tried to reach out to her, but her arms were full of Ben. "Look at me." Slowly, ashamedly, Cloe met Amber's eyes. "Cloe, you have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing. Patsy left the Mall that day because she was curious about the Technos. She would have gone no matter what you said to her, you know that."

"I guess," she said tearfully, unconvinced.

"Have you talked to anyone else about this?" Amber ventured. "Salene, maybe?"

"No. I was...scared to."

"Cloe, no one thinks this is your fault, I'm sure of that. The others know what happened, about the fight, and no one blames you. Except you."

Cloe sniffled, the tears slowing. Amber put down Ben's spoon for a second to reach across the table. Cloe's hand reached out to meet her and she gripped it and squeezed reassuringly. Ben didn't like the interruption of his breakfast and started yelling fairly quickly, which brought a slight smile to Cloe's face.
"And Ben thinks you're being silly too!" She laughed and smiled wryly at Cloe as she picked the spoon up again.

They grew quiet, and Amber's thoughts drifted to her old memories, as they did for what seemed like every hour of every day. She sighed and tried once again to dispel them and concentrate on the here and now. She kept hoping that it would get easier to do one day, but the frustration and sorrow remained with her like a constant companion. She felt no guilt; she knew who was responsible.

"The only ones to blame for any of this are the Technos, Cloe. Remember that." The hard tone of her voice made Cloe's eyes grow wide and she opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by Trudy and Lex's arrival in the café.

"Amber, here you are. How would you like to get out of the Mall for a bit?" Trudy asked. She and Lex both had their coats on and Lex carried a bag over one shoulder. "We're going to meet with one of the tribes. We thought it might be good for you to come with us."

"Speak for yourself," said Lex. "I still think it's better if it's just two of us. The fewer the better in case there's trouble."

"Lex, we've been over this," Trudy responded exasperatedly. "It won't hurt if there's one more. The Gulls know us and we'll be careful to stay out of sight as much as possible. Now stop being so contrary and let's go. Amber, grab your coat and meet us at the sewer entrance." She turned around without waiting for a response. Lex rolled his eyes and followed her.

Amber smiled and rose to hand Ben back to Cloe. She paused at the doorway and looked back at them. "Cloe, if you want to talk, I'm always ready to listen." Cloe nodded, still shy, but happier than she had been before. Hopefully, she'd put Cloe's mind at rest about her role in Patsy's disappearance, but she knew how something like that could prey on you.

She left the café and headed for the stairs, looking forward to being outside the walls of the Mall.

***

It was a beautiful day in the City, not a single cloud to mar the perfection of the bright blue sky. A slightly chilly breeze blew past them as they walked through the streets and they were glad for the warmth of their coats. As usual, the streets were deserted. Any traffic in the City tended to move through the shadows and the back alleys. Much like rats must do, Amber thought.

They moved vaguely in the direction of the alley she'd woken up in, and she'd guessed correctly at the time that it was in Gulls territory. Lex walked ahead of them, keeping to himself as was typical. Trudy chattered cheerfully to Amber about this and that, trying, Amber suspected, to keep the mood light. She'd been doing that since Amber step foot back in the Mall four weeks ago, and she wondered if it was put on for her benefit.

"Trudy," she interrupted finally, "what are we meeting with the Gulls about anyway?"

"Mostly for a good will kind of thing, really. Every now and then we bring them some fresh vegetables from the farm, since our supply is pretty regular. They give us some canned foods if they can spare some. And we exchange any news we might have picked up." She shrugged. "We figure it's a good way to keep some ties with tribes operating near the Mall without actually getting involved in anything too serious." She looked sideways at Amber, tentative, and continued, "You actually used to do most of them in the beginning."
Amber was quiet a moment. "I…don't remember."

"I figured as much," was all she said to that. "We have a good relationship with the Gulls. They don't seem to be threatened by us," she laughed ironically. "Although we're really not much of a threat to anyone. But paranoia, you know, is alive and well."

Lex turned around to comment. "What's that they say? That just because you're paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't after you?"

Trudy rolled her eyes, as was usually their response to each other from what Amber could tell. Neither one took the other seriously. But she could understand what Lex meant. It pretty much summed up her current situation as far as she was concerned. Paranoia was her new best friend.

She laughed to herself, earning a strange look from Trudy, but it seemed appropriate. She was convinced "something" was going to happen, but she had no idea what or when. If she couldn't laugh about it, she'd go crazy. Could already be crazy, she supposed. That was an interesting thought; she'd have to consider that one some more.

They arrived at a small warehouse set back in an overgrown lot. From the outside it looked uninviting and deserted, but the Gulls had tagged it with their graffiti and it was obviously claimed by the tribe. They were careful in their approach to the main entrance. They walked through the middle of the lot, slowly and in plain site of the windows, giving the Gulls plenty of time to see them and showing that they were no threat. Even in friendly territory it was smart to appear harmless.

Lex knocked on the sheet metal panel serving as the door and they heard chains being removed before the panel swung open to reveal a young man and woman, both tall and capable looking. The grey and black shades of paint emphasized, rather than concealed, their facial features and they truly did seem to be as sleek and sharp as the birds they were named after. They shook hands with Lex and stepped back to allow the small group to enter.

Inside, the warehouse was everything its outsides had suggested it wouldn't be. Fabrics in all shades of black, white, and grey had been hung over the metal walls and flashes of blues and purples appeared here and there in random artistic touches. A divider had been set up, concealing behind it what was probably the living quarters of the tribe. Mismatched furniture was arranged around the entry room, leaving the middle open. It was some kind of common room, and a couple members of the tribe awaited them there.

A tall, muscular young man and a younger woman rose at their entrance, coming forward to greet Lex and Trudy with familiarity. Amber hung back a bit, unsure, listening to them exchange pleasantries.

Trudy finally turned to her and said, "Karl, Bree, you remember Amber." Both of them nodded in her direction, a friendly gesture. They weren't surprised to see her but they looked her over intently, searching for what, she couldn't say. She glanced over at Trudy, who answered her silent question. "Lex told Wing that you had returned when he set up the meeting."

"It's good to see you, Amber," Karl said. "You must be relieved to be back with your tribe." Friendly enough words, but his tone seemed somehow harder than it should be. She couldn't tell if it was her own uneasiness or his she was sensing. She realized she'd waited a beat too long to answer back and Trudy was looking at her strangely.

"Um, yes. Yes, I am glad to be back, thanks," she said awkwardly.

The Mallrats were invited to take a seat on one of the large couches set against the wall, across from the chairs Karl and Bree had been sitting in when they arrived. The two Gulls who had guarded the door took up positions unobtrusively in the opposite corner of the room, giving the small group privacy.

Amber listened quietly while Trudy and Lex asked after the welfare of the Gulls and exchanged general pleasantries. Karl listened attentively and offered appropriate responses to their inquiries and thanks for the fresh vegetables. The city tribes didn't often see much of fresh foods unless others came in to the city to sell them. In return, he offered what news they had heard around the city, which wasn't much beyond what the Mallrats had heard. There was a lull in the chaos, however temporary. It seemed everyone waited for the Technos to make their next move.

Amber glanced away from the conversation to find Bree staring consideringly at her. She was disconcerted to be caught at it and blushed becomingly. Like a bird, Bree was small with delicate features. But the tribe's namesake wasn't a delicate animal. Gulls were known to be scavengers and pests as far as humans were concerned, but they weren't weak. The paint covering half of Bree's face added a sinister look to her features that seemed to fit the bird's behavior and personality and was designed to be intimidating to the Gulls' rivals. It also made it difficult to determine what they were really thinking.

Jet had been like that. Or, at least, in Amber's memories she had been. Difficult and confrontational, the Gulls leader had also been courageous. She'd represented her tribe in the discussions about taking down the Chosen and the Technos.

What did her presence in Amber's memories mean? Had she been a part of Amber's life before? Trudy mentioned that Amber had made these little diplomatic visits. Was Jet an actual member of the Gulls she had met before, or had she been planted in Amber's memory by the Technos?

Perhaps ten minutes had passed since they had arrived at the warehouse. Trudy and Lex seemed to be wrapping up the conversation, but Amber wasn't sure she was ready to leave. Bree was looking at her again, and maybe it was more than mere curiosity about her experience with the Technos.

When the other fells silent briefly, she broke in. It was an awkward and clumsy introduction. "You…know I was taken by the Technos," she began. Trudy and Lex shot her looks of surprise, not sure where she was heading with this, but Bree and Karl turned their attention to her with a feeling of anticipation. "Were any members of the Gulls taken?"

Karl cleared his throat before answering, his voice taking on a slight hoarseness. "Jet and Zoe were taken. They went to see what was happening when the news first reached us about the Technos. They never returned." He glanced at Bree, who was staring now at her hands clenched in her lap.

Amber nodded knowingly. She waited for him to continue, but he seemed to expect something from her. She went with what the Mallrats had told her of her own situation. "I was taken outside the city apparently."

"Apparently?" Karl asked.

"I don't remember anything from before they took me." She said it matter-of-factly, and was surprised to find she felt that way about it. In truth, she was tired of agonizing about it.

Bree looked up in surprise at Amber's words and exchanged a glance with Karl. "Nothing? What about from the time you were…with them?"

"When I was their prisoner?" she asked harshly. Bree nodded uncomfortably. "It's complicated."

"Amber," Trudy broke in, "Maybe this isn't the best time to-!"

"To talk about this?" Amber asked. She turned a fiery gaze on Trudy, daring her to say something more. "I think this is as good a time as any."

Karl shifted in his seat, clearly feeling the tension between the Mallrats. But they had a vested interest in the situation too. He glanced at Bree again, who was staring at Amber hopefully. "We were wondering if you knew anything about what happened to Jet and Zoe."

She thought that's what they wanted. But what could she tell them? Her memories weren't proof of anything. "No," she said finally, meeting his eyes. "I wish I could tell you something, but I don't remember. I'm sorry."

He nodded understandingly, not really surprised. But Bree had hoped for more and she dropped her gaze, her shoulders slumping. Karl reached over to her and placed a hand on her arm, squeezing it in support.

Amber didn't think about what she would say next, but the words were coming out of her mouth. "The Technos have taken a lot of people. And I think it's a fluke that I was able to get away from them. I doubt everyone else will be that lucky."

"Amber!" Trudy gasped. It was harsh, Amber knew it, but it was also the truth. Everyone in the room needed to hear it.

"I don't trust them and you shouldn't either. I think we've only seen the beginning of what they're capable of doing. They have control over all the power and water for the city. They scanned everyone in the city and no one seems to know the exact reason why that was necessary. They've been throwing their weight around outside the city more and more."

Karl glanced at Trudy and Lex, confused. But they didn't have any more idea of where she was headed than he did. "What are you saying exactly?"

"I'm saying that someone needs to do something before they get so powerful that no one can defeat them."

The reactions were immediate. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Lex shoot to his feet and start towards her. Trudy called her name again, shocked that she would bring any of this up with another tribe before she'd talked about it with the Mallrats.

Karl's eyes grew wide and his expression was stunned as he began, "Are the Mallrats-?" But he didn't get a chance to finish his thought.

Lex reached Amber and grasped her arm painfully, pulling her to her feet while he answered Karl's unfinished question. "No. The Mallrats aren't doing anything." He shoved Amber towards the warehouse door, keeping his grip on her arm. Trudy stood and hastily made apologies for Amber's behavior. She threw farewells over her shoulder to Bree and Karl as she followed the others out of the building.

"What the hell are you thinking?" Lex shouted as soon as the door closed behind them. Amber shoved his hand off her arm and stepped away from the fury radiating off him.

Trudy's voice remained level, but she too was upset. "Amber, why? Why would say all of that to them?" she asked pleadingly.

"Because it needed to be said!" she cried. "Everything I said in there was the truth; you know it was!"

"That doesn't matter!" Lex yelled. He paced beside them, glaring at her. "Do you have any idea what could happen if it got around that you're saying the tribes should fight the Technos? They'll blame the Mallrats, Amber! You're putting the tribe in danger!"

"We're already in danger, Lex! You just don't want to see it! They took me prisoner and erased my memories! They took Alice and Tai-San and KC and Patsy! You think you're safe because you hide inside the Mall? You won't be safe until the Technos leave or we defeat them!"

"Amber, listen to yourself!" Trudy responded, shaking her head, a pitying look in her eyes. "I'm sorry, but Lex is right. I don't like the Technos any more than you do. But it's irresponsible of you to start something that could endanger the tribe." Amber opened her mouth to speak but Trudy gripped her shoulders, her voice rising, trying to get through to her. "You don't have any proof! Not really. You don't know what happened to you, not for sure."

Amber pulled away, turning her back to stare off in the distance as Trudy continued. "I know it's been hard on you. But we've been fighting to protect the tribe. Maybe not out in the open, but still fighting."

She moved up behind Amber and put a hand on her shoulder. "We can't waste all of that effort now. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought you with us; you weren't ready."

Amber pulled away from her, turning back toward them and crossing her arms over her chest defensively. "Don't patronize me, Trudy. I knew what I was doing, and I wasn't wrong to do it, whatever you think. You want proof, I'll get proof. And then you'll have to see that the Technos are a danger you can't ignore forever."

She could see in their eyes that they weren't ready to hear any more. They were her tribe, her family, but she'd never felt so isolated. "I'm walking back by myself. I'll see you later."

Trudy glanced at Lex then called to her retreating back, "Are you sure that's a good idea? Maybe- Amber!"

She kept walking, ignoring Trudy's entreaties. As she put more distance between them, she could hear Lex tell her to forget it. She looked behind her to see him pull Trudy off in another direction and Amber was grateful for it, even if he didn't do it out of compassion and understanding.

She needed to think; to plan.